at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I love having hate sex.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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