I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
