So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Randomize
