She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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