i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
high people should be assigned attendants
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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