We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
