As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
