so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
