im holly from the hills drunk
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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