I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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