When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
