3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
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