Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
