just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
