I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
