I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
