Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
A+ Viking dick
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
