Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
