I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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