Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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