using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
