I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
