she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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