I can't watch pbs sober anymore
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
