i need an iv and a liver transplant
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
i think we sleep fucked last night...
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
