yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
