Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
