you have to choose: penises or morals?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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