One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
