I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
