you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
