how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
