Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
