my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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