YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
