do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
