How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
