nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
