I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
