So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Sober January is a disaster.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
