you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Gay?
German.
Pity.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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