I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
