So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Randomize