One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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