OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize