if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
