Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Randomize
