wanna go halves on a baby?
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize