rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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