She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
We had sex on a dog bed..
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
