I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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