I was born with a shot glass in my hand
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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