I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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