Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
