Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
We talked him into tasing himself.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
